Attempting Zen

Do you really think your fooling us? Accept your baldness.

Retro is in, I get it. I am all for the Betty Page look and I am dealing with the resurgance of 80s fashion. But today in New York City I saw a guy in overalls, a kerchief, and a cabbie hat with a large moustache. Come on man, the old timey conducter look will never come back around. You have gone too far.

Just the other day I found myself proclaiming loudly “What the hell happened to TLC?” I waited a few minutes for a response then sadly realized that once again I was alone and talking to myself. But really, what has this station become? The answer: a modern day freak show.

They can dress it up all they want, but they can’t hide the fact that more than half of their programming calls out to the lowest form of our human nature. First off, the midget shows. And yes, I refuse to use the politically correct term “little people”, even though TLC trys to shove it down our throat. They put this on because we all love to stare at midgets, but even I have my limits. First a family of midgets, then midgets having a baby. Now midgets who run a chocolate shop! Are they trying to set me up for an Oompa Loompa joke?

If that wasn’t enough, there is also several family reality shows. And by family, I mean a couple with an unaturally large litter of children. First we had he pleasure of John and Kate. After a season or two of emasculation that relationship ended as well as the show. So now we have the creepy uber-Christian family The Duggards and “Table for 12.” I just don’t get these. Where are the midgets? Oh, and don’t forget the antithesis of these, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”, which chronicles white trash women who think they have indigestion for 9 months.

In closing, I think TLC should be forced to change their name. I have never felt like I have learned anything watching it, except that there are people in the world who weigh more than a car and that whales can explode. In fact I think I am now dumber for even writing about it.

So just came back from a nice relaxing vacation in Michigan and realized I had a new look on life when it comes to driving. I had turned a new leaf and was going to drive like a responsible citizen just like the Michiganders. That lasted approximately 3 days.

I have come to the realization that the reason everyone here drives like a complete moron or an aggressive asshole is that they become infected. From a few days of the traffic, being honked at, cut off, and witnessing acts from the bizarre to the down right terrifying you too become one of them. It makes me wonder, who is “Patient Zero” of this pandemic? Did it all start with a four way stop on a dirt road and an assertive Model-T driver?

And I believe the overall problem of rudeness in New Jersey stems solely from driving. This disease slowly trickles into our everyday lives and the next thing you know you have made a woman at the supermarket cry because that morning you were almost side swiped by some lady in a SUV. I think the only solution to our aggression is to do as the people of Michigan do…shoot at stuff in the woods. Ahhh, now don’t you feel better?

Nothing like stuffing the anal cavity of a carcass with various herbs, spices & veggies, then chowing down. So begins the day of over eating, drinking & the traditional airing of greivances. Hopefully I stick mostly to the over eating and not the drinking. Don’t want it to end up like last year. I am still not allowed in my local Walgreens.

Every time I log in to Facebook or even simply use the internet I am assaulted with a million offers to take some lame ass quiz. Today on an ad sidebar I saw THE quiz of the year. Paired along with the worst drawn cartoon I have ever seen were the flashing words, “Are you fat? Take this quiz.”

Really? Are we all so stupid now that we can’t figure out on our own if we are fat!?! Thanks internet but I already take this quiz daily when I look in the mirror, I don’t need your help.

I wonder if there are certain requirements to be considered white trash. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a part of a group, and I am running out of options. If I have to have a fullet and always have an article of clothing with a discernible stain, then I am not sure I would be that committed. But if all that is required is being pale and lazy…I am so in!

I noticed a trend lately with Tom Tom GPS. It seems on any trip that goes more than 30-40 minutes away from my home the directions seem to always take an awful turn. It will choose to take the most dangerous path to get to any major highway. I usually notice it ahead of time when I am in my own state and quickly reroute, but traveling to unknown regions can become quite scary.

For example, this past month I went to a music festival in Liberty State Park. On one leg of the journey I was directed to the Garden State Parkway, which is completely normal. But instead of staying on the current road for 2-3 more exits it told me to get off in one of the most crime ridden areas in the state, drive through the heart of it and find an on ramp.

My only two theories for the reason it continually does this is it either wants to see me get car jacked or it is trying to help me find a good weed hook up. Maybe that should be within the Point of Interest menu…that would be helpful for a lot of people. The drug part, not getting shot in the head, that is never helpful because of the whole dying part.

How do you know if your good at the bagpipes?
I mean they have to be the most heinous sounding instrument on the planet. I haven’t met one person who owns a bagpipe CD or attends bagpipe concerts. The only time I have ever been plagued with their bellowing is around St. Patty’s or at some life event that for some reason a bagpiper was hired. I would rather listen to a quartet of accordions then that horrible wheezing.

How many times have the authorities been notified to arrest a reenactor instead of the real suspect?
Come on, it has to happen. People are dumb.

Why do parents insist on stating their child’s age in months well after it is necessary?
Just stop it. After your child passes the year mark your not allowed to use months. I will allow a year and two months, two years and five months, etc. If you insist. And clothes manufacturers, the same rule applies to you. I never understood that any way. What is the possibility that all children who are “18 months” are the same size? That is bullshit.

On my drive home the other night, I noticed that there is increasing number of drivers on the road without their headlights turned on. This is especially noticeable on my route because a majority of my drive passes through areas without many streetlights. More and more I am seeing small signs of idiocy in people and it scares me..a lot. Now I know this is a very minor thing but I can’t help myself when I notice these things. Other people’s lack of sense causes my brain to malfunction. I run through different scenarios and try to get into their head. It is a real problem.

Personally, I believe the whole world is slowly turning into a legion of slow-witted. This concept was brilliantly portrayed in the movie Idiocracy. If you haven’t seen it I suggest you check it out. It isn’t the best movie I have ever seen but the basis is both hysterical and scarily believable. Basically, the main character ends up 500 years in the future to discover the degeneration of human society due to natural selection gone wrong. Mediocrity and commercialism are rampant due to the stupid over breeding and the educated have gone the way of the dodo.

If you don’t think something like this could possibly happen then explain this item I found in Barnes and Noble recently.

If that isn’t bad enough their is an actual class where you can go learn the “art” of dancing with cats. This is an actual quote from the site, “After all, dancing with our cats is something we really have to do alone and you can feel rather isolated at times. So its great to come to a class where you can meet others of the same persuasion, feel confirmed in your practice, and usually make new friends.” Excuse me, but if you dance with your fucking cat maybe you should be alone. I don’t want to see you out in society interacting with anyone out of fear that you may possibly pass your cat dancing genes on to future generations. If you need a laugh please check out the site, it is gold.
http://www.monpa.com/dwc/

I think our main problem is most people don’t want to or don’t take the time to think. A perfect example is the comic that was recently published in The New York Times that has pissed off a lot of people.

How in the hell did no one in the entire organization go, “Your going to publish this? Your shitting me right?” It is like there is no editing process to the comic section. If I drew that and showed it to my family and friends they would definitely wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Next time maybe they should get up from their drafting table and take a walk around with the sketch.

“Hey what do you think of my new idea for this week’s edition?”

“Yeah..about that, Jim. Maybe you should come up with something else. I don’t think America will get your comic of Hitler raping a puppy. It is a bit above them, they might not get the context.”