Attempting Zen

While waiting in the dermatologist’s office this morning, my mind started to wander as I stared at a bottle of Aluminum Chloride wondering in what capacity it was used. I noticed how horrible the music being piped into the room was, but then I thought it would be much worse with no music. Waiting in that tiny little room while sitting on a paper lined exam table in complete silence. Nothing to do but stare at the four white walls and various jars of cotton balls and swabs. Right then Terence Trent D’Arby started up with “Wishing Well” and I realized with every pro there is a con. I think I would rather have 10-15 minutes of silence and boredom instead of the following scenario.

*knock, knock*

Doctor: Well the biopsy results are in and unfortunately I have some bad news.

Patient: On no…

Wish me love a wishing well To kiss and tell A wishing well of butterfly tears

Doctor: Yes, I am very sorry. You have a very aggressive form of melanoma. There is nothing we can do.

Do do dooo Do do dooo Do do do da doooooo…

Click to play…

[ Javascript required to view QuickTime movie, please turn it on and refresh this page ]

As you can tell by my amazing voice over, I stumbled upon my first robin sighting of the year this morning on the way to my car. I think we have to band together and ban all outdoor mirrored objects. It is unfair to these dim-witted creatures. I did try and help the robin, after I filmed it of course. But my presence nor my jingling keys would not deter it from its task. I didn’t want to push it and have the story end with me being the victim of a robin attack, so I walked away and let it continue bashing what was left of its small brain.

Do you really think your fooling us? Accept your baldness.

Retro is in, I get it. I am all for the Betty Page look and I am dealing with the resurgance of 80s fashion. But today in New York City I saw a guy in overalls, a kerchief, and a cabbie hat with a large moustache. Come on man, the old timey conducter look will never come back around. You have gone too far.

Just the other day I found myself proclaiming loudly “What the hell happened to TLC?” I waited a few minutes for a response then sadly realized that once again I was alone and talking to myself. But really, what has this station become? The answer: a modern day freak show.

They can dress it up all they want, but they can’t hide the fact that more than half of their programming calls out to the lowest form of our human nature. First off, the midget shows. And yes, I refuse to use the politically correct term “little people”, even though TLC trys to shove it down our throat. They put this on because we all love to stare at midgets, but even I have my limits. First a family of midgets, then midgets having a baby. Now midgets who run a chocolate shop! Are they trying to set me up for an Oompa Loompa joke?

If that wasn’t enough, there is also several family reality shows. And by family, I mean a couple with an unaturally large litter of children. First we had he pleasure of John and Kate. After a season or two of emasculation that relationship ended as well as the show. So now we have the creepy uber-Christian family The Duggards and “Table for 12.” I just don’t get these. Where are the midgets? Oh, and don’t forget the antithesis of these, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant”, which chronicles white trash women who think they have indigestion for 9 months.

In closing, I think TLC should be forced to change their name. I have never felt like I have learned anything watching it, except that there are people in the world who weigh more than a car and that whales can explode. In fact I think I am now dumber for even writing about it.

So just came back from a nice relaxing vacation in Michigan and realized I had a new look on life when it comes to driving. I had turned a new leaf and was going to drive like a responsible citizen just like the Michiganders. That lasted approximately 3 days.

I have come to the realization that the reason everyone here drives like a complete moron or an aggressive asshole is that they become infected. From a few days of the traffic, being honked at, cut off, and witnessing acts from the bizarre to the down right terrifying you too become one of them. It makes me wonder, who is “Patient Zero” of this pandemic? Did it all start with a four way stop on a dirt road and an assertive Model-T driver?

And I believe the overall problem of rudeness in New Jersey stems solely from driving. This disease slowly trickles into our everyday lives and the next thing you know you have made a woman at the supermarket cry because that morning you were almost side swiped by some lady in a SUV. I think the only solution to our aggression is to do as the people of Michigan do…shoot at stuff in the woods. Ahhh, now don’t you feel better?

Nothing like stuffing the anal cavity of a carcass with various herbs, spices & veggies, then chowing down. So begins the day of over eating, drinking & the traditional airing of greivances. Hopefully I stick mostly to the over eating and not the drinking. Don’t want it to end up like last year. I am still not allowed in my local Walgreens.

Every time I log in to Facebook or even simply use the internet I am assaulted with a million offers to take some lame ass quiz. Today on an ad sidebar I saw THE quiz of the year. Paired along with the worst drawn cartoon I have ever seen were the flashing words, “Are you fat? Take this quiz.”

Really? Are we all so stupid now that we can’t figure out on our own if we are fat!?! Thanks internet but I already take this quiz daily when I look in the mirror, I don’t need your help.

I wonder if there are certain requirements to be considered white trash. Sometimes I feel like I need to be a part of a group, and I am running out of options. If I have to have a fullet and always have an article of clothing with a discernible stain, then I am not sure I would be that committed. But if all that is required is being pale and lazy…I am so in!

I noticed a trend lately with Tom Tom GPS. It seems on any trip that goes more than 30-40 minutes away from my home the directions seem to always take an awful turn. It will choose to take the most dangerous path to get to any major highway. I usually notice it ahead of time when I am in my own state and quickly reroute, but traveling to unknown regions can become quite scary.

For example, this past month I went to a music festival in Liberty State Park. On one leg of the journey I was directed to the Garden State Parkway, which is completely normal. But instead of staying on the current road for 2-3 more exits it told me to get off in one of the most crime ridden areas in the state, drive through the heart of it and find an on ramp.

My only two theories for the reason it continually does this is it either wants to see me get car jacked or it is trying to help me find a good weed hook up. Maybe that should be within the Point of Interest menu…that would be helpful for a lot of people. The drug part, not getting shot in the head, that is never helpful because of the whole dying part.